He's back...

This blog has been hanging in limbo for some time. With all
that has happened in my life since my last entry four years ago, I think it is time to restart and reset this blog. As my journey in life is moving in interesting directions and there is more and more things on the web to react to, I want to get back into blogging and have my little sliver be a voice for some people out there.

So much has happened in the past years. But this new entry, my reintroduction into blogging is going to focus on a serious issue that many who know me and the struggles I have and am going through. This sort of coalesced last night in a brief flash of inspiration and reflection. Give me a moment to set up the scene.

A new friend was sharing with me that she was applying to a program but didn't know if she should be honest and put down that she had been an addict and went through rehab and was part of NA. She felt it was important that she expressed what she had been through would be an invaluable asset to the program.

For anyone who knows me well, my brain started whirling and looking at all these different angles for her to explore on how to express this properly. I went into my "help" mode and the ideas started flowing.

So those that aren't too familiar with my past struggles, I am an alcoholic. I have a serious problem with hard liquor. For the longest time, I was a functional drunk that many people coddled. And the few who were honest I easily dismissed. I never, ever drank at work. I might have had a couple of beers at lunch, but I always drank on my own time and it never (in my opinion) ever affected my performance professionally. I will get into that soon with a series of entries to put a human face to the problem of addiction. Stay tuned.

My key point is I could see my friend's point. Being a "recovering" addict was a powerful point that could punch-up her application. But the down side could be that all the reviewers had was an impersonal piece of paper with words in front of them. Such an admission might prejudice the people reviewing her application. They may make judgements without knowing the actual person.

My insight into the situation was simple: no, don't bring up anything personal. It could be misinterpreted. Focus on a more "vague" concept that might lead to giving more details when she had a one-on-one interview. Focus on your experiences. Write that because of your experiences with addiction is what gives you the edge over the other applicants. If during the one-on-one interview, the person wants you to clarify, explain what experiences you are talking about, maybe then you can become more personal. Focus on experience, you know what people go through when they are addicts. You know people like that.

As I explained to her, you aren't lying or misrepresenting yourself. Look at the people you have met in rehab or NA. All of us who have gone through detox and rehab have met so many others in the same boat, only using different methods to get high. This gives you that foot in the door and if it becomes appropriate and works for you, yeah, bring in the personal aspect which makes your assertions in the application even more powerful. As I walked home from the training center, after talking to my friend, there was a light bounce in my step, feeling good that I helped someone.

But that wasn't the end of it. A lot of our discussion hung about in the back of my head, percolating and gestating to explode. And that evening, I was totally focused on working on my portfolio, focused on developing my tools to help me find a new job, a new career after things came to a screeching halt some months ago. But as I worked on my portfolio, different tendrils flicked in and out of my thoughts.

A discussion I had with a good friend, Mel G came back and slipped here and there in my thoughts. And then, around midnight, the floodgates opened and I started to write like crazy for my new friend. And that, in the end, is what I want to share with you in my first, new blog. I had no idea on how powerful my words were until today when my friend read through what I wrote. So here it is, raw, not proof read and straight from the heart.

An area I believe I can bring major impact to is addiction. Based on my experiences, I have seen the complexity of this prevalent issue. I understand the physical and
psychological elements associated with addiction. I appreciate the personal and societal dimensions addiction brings to a person, internally and externally. Addiction is
the many facets of a dull diamond that needs that soft cloth to rub carefully to bring out the sparkle. And all too often, an addict does not know what support is offered
by different groups. They think they are alone.

I do not have the black/white view that you can quit by just stopping. We are not dealing with a simple situation where one can just say "that's it". The glass, the needle,
the button of a VLT promises a rush that many people cannot comprehend. But from my experience, I know it isn't that simple. I understand the struggle when a person is
sitting there, a glass of gin and tonic there saying "this will help get you through this rough time". The siren call is subtle and perverse. It offers a solution addicts
know all too well.

I understand the shame, anxiety and hopelessness that comes when someone relapses. The extreme guilt one puts on oneself when realizing they have slipped. I have been clean
for six months flies out the window with recriminations about what a loser I am. I am a weak person, useless, hopeless. Why would anyone care for a loser like me?

I know what an addict needs, what they crave to use the word postively. They need compassion, they need understanding. They need someone who is not going to judge. They need
someone who doesn't minimize what has happened but stops and says "okay, you fell. Let's get up and see what comes next". Not someone who asks "why didn'you call your
sponsor?" or "c'mon, you should have known better!"

Addicts are experts in self-loathing. The idea of positive thinking is foreign to them. They do not believe in themselves. There are important steps like detox and rehab to
start an addict in their journey to become clean. They need the clinical help to get through the initial steps, through the shakes and the seizures. But, for me, the most
important element is the human touch, the intimate connection that allows the addict to see that they are not hopeless, they are not a lost cause, they are not the dredges
of society. They are as valuable a member of society as anyone else living on this planet. They need to be reminded there is love and it is there, even when we are not perfect.

That is what I believe I can bring to this program. A passion, a reality of who and what an addict is. An addict is not defined by the drink of choice, or what goes into
the syringe or what type of poker they play on the machine. They are a product of years in which they evolved needing the rush they get from their addiction. They don't need
someone who looks at the situation rationally and logically, but that is not part of an addict's reality. For the average person, it is not rational to pump a VLT with coins
after coins on the hope that the machine will ring out a jackpot. It is not rational that someone self-medicates themselves because of the stress and issues that crowd and
overwhelm their lives. It makes no sense why you can't get to sleep unless you have had several drinks of rum and coke.

With my experience, I do not bring this to the table. Each addict is different, is special in their own way. I may not have experienced the specifics one addict has gone through
but I know what they need. The shoulder to cry on, the simple, kind words that reinforces they are someone special in this world. That they know that they are not alone
in this stormy life we all live. Maybe, right now, you don't have hope but I have it for you. Let me stand by your side so a little while so you can believe it too. That
is what I believe I can bring to the table.

So here we are. The floodgates have opened. I realized after writing a little diatribe on Facebook, there is so much I want to speak about. There are subjects popping up I have an opinion on that I want to share. And it's not about changing the world. One thing I have come to realize over the past while is small changes can have an enormous impact over a long period of time.

What I have to say isn't going to change things but if I can plant a seed, make someone stop and think, just for a moment, something a little different, make them wonder and ponder, interesting things can happen. And I know some of the things I have to say will stir some controversy, shake up a few things and possibly cause a visceral reaction. But my aim isn't to shock or piss people off. It is to say what is amazing about the people in this world is the complex way we see, look and understand things. I would never be able to achieve what my favorite philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche did with his writings but if in a little way I can make someone stop and question something they believe in, I'll
be happy.

This first entry may seem to be a melange, a rabbit trail bouncing about but there is a rhyme and reason. And I hope it will become clear over the next while. Come back and check out what I have to say because this journey is going to be interesting. Trust me, I plan to have fun with intelligent design and the pharma solution to alcoholism to the PC police demanding we goosestep to their clap-trap dogma to fundie fears. I hope to address some interesting issues that you will stop and ponder over. And maybe lead to some interesting discussions. We shall see.

TTFN