Love & Marriage

Something from work yesterday has made me stop and think. One of my colleagues, Sofia (sic) asked me what I thought about marriage. I responded that I don’t believe in it. It is a social construct I want nothing to do with.

Then she asked if I believed in love. I said yes but I stumbled with my point because there was a disconnect between the first question to the second. But by her reaction to my response, a little light bulb clicked.

In my little mindset I do not see the connection between marriage and love yet for many people there is a strong bond. If you love someone, then you get married.

As some of my previous posts show, I do not believe in marriage. It is an artificial construct created by society. Yet it is a tradition so infused in our collective consciousness that many don’t see marriage as I do.

From the early times, most marriages were for things like money, land or prestige. People did not get married because of love. That is a modern slant put onto marriage. Why else would there be things like dowries?

Yet in simplistic terms, for me, marriage is a control mechanism. It is society’s stamp of approval for a couple. Without it, they may be shunned. Definitely garish the disapproval of the people around.

Just look at some of the terms “living in sin” or “shacking up” for people who aren’t married. The society as a whole places derogatory terms to make people feel guilty because they are not married.

And how many people out there have had those like their parents saying: “you can’t marry him”? A stamp of approval is necessary before going the next step.

A more extreme example of this stamp would be interracial marriages. Even though the two people might really be in love, the prejudices of the society would and at times, still, make the life difficult for an interracial couple.

One can only marry the right person, defined by other people. And there have been times I’ve heard parents refusing to come to a wedding because they do not approve of the spouse. Or the priest refusing to perform the marriage. So for me, all marriage is is just a society control mechanism, be it on a macroscopic or microscopic scale.

And the validation does not have to be religious. The government is involved as are businesses. People who live together (until recently) could not get tax breaks or get their partner on their medical plan from work. You have to get that little piece of paper or you get nothing.

I know that if this is not in place, it could lead to abuse. Then roommates could use the tax breaks or get their roommates on their medical plans. That would be a “drain” on the system because people will use any loophole to get something extra. Yet how many people, in a loving relationship, get shut out from the extra goodies you get when you get the stamp of approval.

And things get worse when you hear people start yammering about family values. Children can only grow up properly in a heterosexual setting with one man and one woman who are married. And the main argument is that is a time tested tradition.

Well, that is because of the extra pressure and stress put on by society to a “non-traditional” family. It is much more difficult for a single parent to raise a child than two parents. And all too often it is not because of the lack of love but the lack of resources. And the stigma that seeps into the family environment.

And then you hear groups like Conservative Christians who go on about the only correct coupling is one man and one woman because it is mandated by the Bible. That is only proper family setting.

Yet the Bible is replete with families that were not one man and one woman. Check out the Kings like David and Solomon. They had many wives and concubines yet God did not waggle a disapproving finger at them. Abraham’s first son was from Sarah’s maidservant with his wife’s & God’s approval. Only after did Sarah get pregnant.

Now some will jump in and say that is in the Old Testament. The New Testament is different. Jesus does address marriage yet does not the constituent form. A man will leave his parents to be with his wife. But there is not interdiction about him having a second or third. But for some, it is implied.

And of course, we cannot ignore how massive the industry marriage is. Even the government gets a share for the paper work. But the biggest money goes into the ceremony to celebrate the union of the happy couple.

I won’t get into the cost of putting a wedding together because that would triple the size of this post. But I am stunned to see the prices be it for the dress to the food and catering.

But I want to address for a moment some of the ugliness that a wedding brings out. Things like “you have to invite uncle Harry because he invited you” yet you despise Harry. But to keep peace in the family, Harry will be there.

And it can degenerate to what the parents what, not what the couple want. There was one wedding I went to that the couple were told, by her parents, that if they played secular music at the reception, then they would not attend the reception. Huh? Isn’t this supposed to be a celebration of their union? This is there party, ain’t it? Is it worth the effort for one day?

Yet I don’t see the need for it, per say. If two people love each other, they don’t have to go through all of this stuff to celebrate and validate their union. Now if they want to have a celebration because of it, great, go for it. But this is something that they should plan for themselves.

I know some people might jump in and say I feel this way because I’m gay. Since I can’t get married (until recently), I never entertained the thought of marriage. Well that is not true.
I am going to be 49 next month. I lived a long time and have seen many things. Many of my friends from the 70’s and 80’s got married. And many are not any more.

The sour taste in my mouth with regard to marriage is more because of their break-ups. Marriages that we thought would last, didn’t. There was one couple of good friends, who went through hell when they were dating because of family issues in particular. All of their friends, when they got married, said if they ever break-up, then there is no reason for marriage.

And they were deeply in love. They had to be to get through the hell days of the late 70’s. And they got through it. But over time, as they settled in, things started to change. Over years, tension and stress grew in their relationship, which none of us saw. Which then exploded into a nasty fight leading to a bitter divorce.

Now some marriages have survived the rocky tests of time. I look at my friends Brian and Jude. They have had stormy times but they survived and have two great kids. In some ways, I would attribute their faith helping out a lot.

Yet I have friends who aren’t “married” but are still together. They never saw the need to get married, even in a civil ceremony.

Unlike years ago, marriage is not forever. Which is a good thing, in my view. In the flush of first love, little foibles or problems don’t crop up. But once the couple settles down, they intrude into the marriage. Most abusive relationships don’t start out that way. They evolved. And I believe it is important the abused spouse should be able to get out of the relationship and not have some cleric say they have to stay married because of the vows.

But the flip side is that marriage is not taken seriously by many. When problems arise, it is all too easy to just abandon ship and move on.

A loving relationship is hard work. Troubles will visit the couple. There will be things about the other person that will drive the other crazy. The flames of passion that first consumed them become embers that need tending. And that means work and toil.

Getting married is not a guarantee. Just because you get married does not mean the tough times will not come about. You don’t get a special pass because of a blessing from a cleric.

I suppose my main point of this rambling is that we don’t need to validate a loving relationship. Seeing their love should be validation enough. I look back to Brian’s parents, Johnny and Blanche. You did not need to see their marriage certificate to know they were in a loving relationship. It just exuded from them.

So for the gay people out there who want to get married, fine. Go for it. If you really need that stamp of approval from society or the government, I don’t care. But I believe it is the wrong reason to get married. The validation is between those in the relationship. Anything else is, for me, superfluous.