The Evolving Concept of Friendship

Professor Lynn Smith-Lovin, from Duke University, is the lead author on an interesting study to be published in the American Sociological Review. The study finds that Americans are more socially isolated than they were 20 years ago.

The study reports that nearly a quarter of the people surveyed said they had "zero" close friends with whom to discuss personal matters. More than 50% named two or fewer confidants. And more often than not, they were immediate family members.

Smith-Lovin's group used data from a national survey of 1,500 American adults that has been going on since 1972. An interesting stat is that there was a surprising drop in the number of close friends since 1985. At that time, Americans commonly said they had three close friends whom they had known for a long time. And saw often & with whom they shared a number of interests. At that time, the majority were as likely to name four or five friends and often, those relationships came from their neighbourhoods or communities.

Smith-Lovin comments:

This is a big social change, and it indicates something that's not good for our society

She also points out that

Ties to a close network of friends create a social safety net that is good for society, and for the individual. Research has linked social support and civic participation to a longer life

The people surveyed were not asked why they had fewer intimate ties. For Smith-Lovin, Americans are working more, marrying later, having fewer kids and commuting longer distances.

Personally, I see these points as just a superificial set of reasons. You have to dig a little deeper. Over the past 20 to 30 years, we have gone through some major paradigm shifts in society. One of the key points has to do with jobs.

Until the late 80's into the 90's, people generally were guareenteed a job. If you went to work for GM, IBM or Boeing, ten to one you would retire from the company. You would settle down, all too often in the city you grew up in. Often your childhood friends would also stay in the same area, possibly working in the same company.

We had a nuclear family. And an extended family. Some members might move elsewhere but the majority of the people you grew up with stayed around you. That paradigm started to shift in the 80's.

Another social paradigm would be the 'me' culture. From the ashes of the 60's, came a narcissistic attitude. Free sex became fucking anyone and everything. Money was not for sharing but for gathering. Society started to value the self, not the people.

People were not gauged on who they were but what they were. I saw that happening in the 80's. I had good friends who, when they finished university, started to get caught up in the rat race. And I am talking of friends that I had for years. The job became more important. The marriage became more important. The toys became more important.

Couple with that how job stablility became job instablity. I can remember a friend, Mario who I had known since 1976. When he lost his job in the late 80's, he was stunned. This should not have happened. And this instability started to seep into his life. And it affected it. And when his marriage fell apart in the early 90's, a good friend of over 10 years was gone.

I've seen too many friends have to leave because of getting a job. My friend Mike is talking about moving to Vancouver. Another friend had to move back to Kazakhstan because things weren't working out here. Another moved to South Korea, to teach. Or to Calgary, Edmonton, Ottawa, New York City. The list goes on.

The same thing happens with a family. Brothers & sisters have to move away. Aunts & uncles find better opportunities. The concept of a nuclear family is become extinct. And this affects the circle of friends one could have.

I look at my friend, Brian or his mother Blanche. Many of their friends are extensions from their family. Some friends of Brian's brother or sister are friends of Brian and Blanche. And some became my friends.

And there other factors like just going in different directions in life. Priorities change. People get married and have kids. You get involved with a person your friends don't like. You get into raving and drugs. You find religion. Things get in the way of a friendship.

And it also evolves. I look at the friendships I have. I've known Brian since 1979. But there were a few years where our paths did not cross. My life was going in a completely different direction than his. But we reconnected and a new friendship has grown.

I look at my roommate Errol. I've known him since 1982. Our friendship has had its peaks and valleys. Right now, we are just roommates. Our friendship has cooled off but who knows what will happen in 6 months?

But it is sad to read that so many people do not have friends anymore. This social isolation means that be it in their personal life, during personal emergencies or even national disasters, people are finding they have fewer resources available to them as they did before. It could be as simple as a call for advice to asking for assistance.

As Smith-Lovin rightly points out:

It's one thing to know someone and exchange e-mails with them. It's another thing to say, 'Will you give me a ride out of town with all of my possessions and pets? And can I stay with you for a couple or three months?'

I should know. I was lucky when I completely self-destructed and ended up on the streets. During those 9 months, friends like Brian or Jeanette did the best they could to help. But they used the tough-love aspect of friendship. If I wasn't trying to help myself, they would not try to help me. But they were there.

I wish I could end this post with a solution but I can't. We live in a society that seems to be forcing people more and more into isolation. Be it cellphones or email or IM, people are not getting the personal connection you need to be a friend. People are becoming objects in our society, not people.

Also, being a friend does require work. It is easier to have buddies and acquaintances. When someone you know gets into trouble, you can sympathize and offer dollops of advice. And then move on. A friend will be in the trenches with you, doing the best to their ability to help out. They are there through thick and thin. A friend isn't there just when the times are good.

I am lucky to say I am not part of the stats from Lynn Smith-Lovin's study. All my friends, 2 close and 4 good, are not family members. And I thank God or the Cosmic Muffin I am that lucky. It is too bad I don't know of any solutions. Then I could write a book, sell videos and be on shows like Oprah or Dr. Phil.

But if you have a friend or two, just remember how precious they are. They may not be forever but they are there right now. Cherish them.