Twelve Steps to What?

There has been a bit of buzz on the net about AA lately. Some of the articles discuss major issues that need to be addressed but have been written by those who never needed AA. There are people who believe it is a cult, others would swear by it. But the reality seems to be that, in the end, only a small percentage of people, usually around 5 to 10%, have success because of the twelve step programs. 

Some of the ideas I wanted to talk about gelled reading an article on Salon. Drs. Lance and Zachary Dodes bring up some good points even though the article is a little self-serving. In this episode, I want to focus on the 12 steps that most AA-style programs; and yes there is Narcotics Anonymous, Gambling Anonymous and so on. I will address some of their points on rehab and other issues in my next episodes. But today, I will focus on the 12 steps.

For 12 step programs, these are key - the only way is through going through all of these 12 steps. Once you have a sponsor, you set up an action plan and move from step to step. Together, using the steps, you will break the cycle of addiction and be "cured". Up front, members of AA will tell you that this takes time. You might have been in the program for five years but only be on step 2. But that is fine, each person is different and some steps people move through faster then others. But what are these steps?

 

I have no issue with this step. Addiction is a complex problem which has both psychological and physiological components. My life did become unmanageable because of alcohol and I totally fucked up more than one. It is insidious and its tendrils poisons so much. And the “drug” of choice is powerful. 

When I relapsed, I honestly believed that I had control over the situation and alcohol didn’t have a hold on me anymore. But as you will see, I have a problem with the innocent word powerless which links most of the 12 steps.

 

This is the beginning of one of my major issues I have with the 12 step program – the God issue. Members of AA are quick to dismiss the worry by pointing out that most people believe in some sort of power, they may not call it God. And this step carefully states that. But this step falls into the trap that I believe that religion sets for people – we need a “higher” power to sort things out. It diminishes the friends and family that are around us who can supporting us. It shifts responsibility away from the person and the people around them to some mystical, power which has all the answers. Trust me, this becomes more and more evident with the next steps.

Okay, here I go: what the fuck? As Drs. Dodes ask: why can’t this ultimate power lie within the addict? Or the support network hopefully a person will have when dealing with their addiction? But again, that is the fantasy religion likes to weave. It preys on lonely, weak people. And an addict fits in that category. They are often alone and their self-worth is shit. It is seductive to be told that there is a loving and caring power that will help you carry your burdens. As Paul wrote in 1. Cor. 10:13: God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it. But, for me, it diminishes the person completely.

The doctors are brief on this step but are totally focused on the word moral and feel it has nothing to do with what they consider addiction to be – a disorder. For me, though, again addiction is complex. I don’t see it as a “disorder”. Thinking like that leads to doctors find pills to “cure” the problem and that is happening but that is for another episode. I do think there is a moral aspect to consider because morals have nothing to do with religion. It is what you think is right and wrong. Because of my addiction, I have done things that were wrong, based on my moral code. So yes, I believe you need to be fearless and make an inventory.

 

The doctors tie the next three steps into one and they are connected but I think each need to be addressed separately. Yes, I have issue with the God part but, again, I think it is important to reflect on the wrongs we have done because of our addiction. And I am not talking about the stupid stunts I did but serious things like the lying and other things that hurt people close to me. I lost good friends because I was toxic, not a person they wanted in their lives. I need to address this, with myself and those I have wronged.

Now here I go, once again: bullshit! Yes, I have tons of defects but c’mon! God is going to remove all of my defects? He/she/it is going to wave a magic wand and suddenly the defects are gone? Bloody hell, no. There is only one person in my life that can change, modify or deal with defects that lay in Louis C. Vroomen and that it me. And that is with reflection, counseling and being honest. Some mystical being ain’t gonna whisper an incantation and I will be all better. For me, once again, let's shift things away from the person. There is the aspect of nature versus nurture, but it comes down to ownership. By transferring one's defects elsewhere allows a person to ignore or dismiss them. It implicitly gives permission to the person you don't have to deal with it. This step minimizes things we don't want to deal with it. It says you don't have to confront the darkness that lurks in all of us. You don't have to do the real, hard work to improve yourself.

And this goes with the previous step. Hello! But this is a nice fantasy religion loves to propagate. A quick fix where you don’t have to do any work. God will do it all for you. Just sit back, believe and she/it/he will make it all better. Nyah, you don’t have to do any work. Nyah, you don’t have to actually confront the demons deep in you. Nyah, you don’t have to look inside yourself and see things you don’t like. Just transfer it and ignore it. Someone else will take care of you. This is a rubric I hate about religion. Oh, you have back problems, let us pray for you. Let us lay hands on you. We will, through the will of God, get rid of what ails you. Your shortcomings will disappear by divine intervention. Yeah, as if that would ever happen!

Here, one again, the author merges their comments on the next two steps. Most of my ire on the comments from the authors are for the next step but let’s address this one first. Once again, I believe it is important for an addict to stop and reflect. They often don’t know the damage they have caused because of their addiction. Yes, for some, there is the immediate and obvious like losing a wife or husband, their children, their job, etc. But the collateral damage extends beyond that. For me, this is an important step an addict needs to do. By looking back, you see the more subtle wrongs that have happened because of your addiction. Looking back makes you aware of the consequences that resulted in other peoples’ lives. We are not an island onto ourselves. We have impact on so many in our lives and an addict needs to see that. One of the biggest problems, I believe, that an addict faces is to step away from being self-absorbed. How else are you going to learn?

The authors send mixed messages with this step. On one hand, they express the importance of how apologies and reconciliation are powerful, liberating and uplifting. But then they throw in the idea of this echoing a fundamental religious principle of recovery is cleansing oneself of sin. Yes, AA was founded by religious people but nowhere, I mean, nowhere in this step does it mention sin. And then they assert that this step alters the timbre of treatment because it is an act of penance. Yes the word penance is loaded with religious connotations but it comes straight to the point. I do believe it is important to make amends. The act might rebuild broken bridges, but more importantly, it is an act to improve your self-worth. You have done wrong and you shouldn’t just leave it as bramble on the road you are journeying.

Here I was angered by the pithy comment by the doctors. For me, the key word is awareness. Their pithy response of awareness of this fact doesn’t help the problem. Huh? The author of this article, I assume it is Lance, is a psychotherapist. Yeah, we are aware of the wrongs we have done but do we understand them? Do we understand the consequences of what we have done? We need to own the damage we have wrought in other peoples’ lives. And, we have to take ownership of what we have done. We shouldn’t sweep it under the rug. But with these steps, this shouldn’t become an act of self- flagellation. We shouldn’t rip ourselves apart and degrade ourselves to the point of destroying our little feeling of self-worth. The focus needs to be that I am a better person now. I can’t change the past but I will try to do better in the future. 

Once again, I just shake my head and tell the program to shove it. First of all, adding the word meditation does not, in any way, hide the total bullshit that this step embraces. Mediation does not improve our conscious contact with God. It improves our conscious contact with ourselves. Yes, we need to do that, addicts and non-addicts alike. We have lost contact with ourselves; we have lost what makes every single individual “holy”. By meditation and reflection, we get back into contact with our core values, it reminds us what we consider valuable and makes us valuable. But sorry, God’s will for us is just another trap religion has in its arsenal. My life is my life. If I exist just to fulfill the wishes of a God, then I don’t have a life. I am just a puppet with it/her/him pulling the strings.

Here, once again the authors show their disdain for religion and miss a key point of this step. The key word they use is proselytizing. Again, a word that is loaded by religion. But, for me, it isn’t the idea of spiritual awakening but carrying the message and practicing principles. The best counselor, usually for an addict, is someone who is an addict or intimately knows an addict. We know, we understand what an addict is going through. We are not going to spew scientific details or wrap the problems up in religious gauze. We’ve hit rock bottom and suffered. My life is in shambles because of my addiction. I am struggling to get things back on track. It isn’t an easy journey. But many therapists or pastors would not be able to express this because they haven’t experienced it. I am not dismissing their worth in helping a recovering addict but I believe it takes one to know one. So yeah, I do believe in this step. But at the same time, I do see the undercurrent, the subtle message AA sends – once you have done the twelve steps, you need to go out there and tell others the only road to recovery is AA. There I will agree with the authors. 

As I will get into over the next few episodes, I have many issues with AA. But I do believe it provides a service and a potentially good first step for many people. For me, in the beginning, AA did provide me with some support and I appreciate they were there. I question the long term effects and results AA provides. I definitely have issues with the evangelical proponents of AA and the mindless adherence they have to this 12 step program. And over the next few days, I want to explore these points. 

But I want to leave with a brief aside based on my experiences. One of the biggest problems facing an addict is support. One of the most sobering  lessons many rehab centers try to teach is for an addict to review the important people they have in their lives. The counselors are straight to the point and ask that you look at these people and see if they are a good influence for your recovery.

The sad thing, for most addicts, all of their “friends” are addicts themselves. They have few to almost no people in their lives that could bring a positive influence in their ongoing recovery. That is an issue about rehab I will talk about soon because for that short time, you are in this safe cocoon but outside the real world is waiting. And it isn’t a pretty place for many people. 

We don’t have enough support out here, in the real world. AA does try to fill in a gap. It does address an extremely important need for a recovering addict. I suppose, in the end, it may have been great when the founders sorted out the principles back in the 1930s but doesn’t fully address the reality in 2014. Like the religion that was the foundation of AA, it hasn’t evolved over time. But I am hopeful because there is some movement in the field. More to come soon.

He's back...

This blog has been hanging in limbo for some time. With all
that has happened in my life since my last entry four years ago, I think it is time to restart and reset this blog. As my journey in life is moving in interesting directions and there is more and more things on the web to react to, I want to get back into blogging and have my little sliver be a voice for some people out there.

So much has happened in the past years. But this new entry, my reintroduction into blogging is going to focus on a serious issue that many who know me and the struggles I have and am going through. This sort of coalesced last night in a brief flash of inspiration and reflection. Give me a moment to set up the scene.

A new friend was sharing with me that she was applying to a program but didn't know if she should be honest and put down that she had been an addict and went through rehab and was part of NA. She felt it was important that she expressed what she had been through would be an invaluable asset to the program.

For anyone who knows me well, my brain started whirling and looking at all these different angles for her to explore on how to express this properly. I went into my "help" mode and the ideas started flowing.

So those that aren't too familiar with my past struggles, I am an alcoholic. I have a serious problem with hard liquor. For the longest time, I was a functional drunk that many people coddled. And the few who were honest I easily dismissed. I never, ever drank at work. I might have had a couple of beers at lunch, but I always drank on my own time and it never (in my opinion) ever affected my performance professionally. I will get into that soon with a series of entries to put a human face to the problem of addiction. Stay tuned.

My key point is I could see my friend's point. Being a "recovering" addict was a powerful point that could punch-up her application. But the down side could be that all the reviewers had was an impersonal piece of paper with words in front of them. Such an admission might prejudice the people reviewing her application. They may make judgements without knowing the actual person.

My insight into the situation was simple: no, don't bring up anything personal. It could be misinterpreted. Focus on a more "vague" concept that might lead to giving more details when she had a one-on-one interview. Focus on your experiences. Write that because of your experiences with addiction is what gives you the edge over the other applicants. If during the one-on-one interview, the person wants you to clarify, explain what experiences you are talking about, maybe then you can become more personal. Focus on experience, you know what people go through when they are addicts. You know people like that.

As I explained to her, you aren't lying or misrepresenting yourself. Look at the people you have met in rehab or NA. All of us who have gone through detox and rehab have met so many others in the same boat, only using different methods to get high. This gives you that foot in the door and if it becomes appropriate and works for you, yeah, bring in the personal aspect which makes your assertions in the application even more powerful. As I walked home from the training center, after talking to my friend, there was a light bounce in my step, feeling good that I helped someone.

But that wasn't the end of it. A lot of our discussion hung about in the back of my head, percolating and gestating to explode. And that evening, I was totally focused on working on my portfolio, focused on developing my tools to help me find a new job, a new career after things came to a screeching halt some months ago. But as I worked on my portfolio, different tendrils flicked in and out of my thoughts.

A discussion I had with a good friend, Mel G came back and slipped here and there in my thoughts. And then, around midnight, the floodgates opened and I started to write like crazy for my new friend. And that, in the end, is what I want to share with you in my first, new blog. I had no idea on how powerful my words were until today when my friend read through what I wrote. So here it is, raw, not proof read and straight from the heart.

An area I believe I can bring major impact to is addiction. Based on my experiences, I have seen the complexity of this prevalent issue. I understand the physical and
psychological elements associated with addiction. I appreciate the personal and societal dimensions addiction brings to a person, internally and externally. Addiction is
the many facets of a dull diamond that needs that soft cloth to rub carefully to bring out the sparkle. And all too often, an addict does not know what support is offered
by different groups. They think they are alone.

I do not have the black/white view that you can quit by just stopping. We are not dealing with a simple situation where one can just say "that's it". The glass, the needle,
the button of a VLT promises a rush that many people cannot comprehend. But from my experience, I know it isn't that simple. I understand the struggle when a person is
sitting there, a glass of gin and tonic there saying "this will help get you through this rough time". The siren call is subtle and perverse. It offers a solution addicts
know all too well.

I understand the shame, anxiety and hopelessness that comes when someone relapses. The extreme guilt one puts on oneself when realizing they have slipped. I have been clean
for six months flies out the window with recriminations about what a loser I am. I am a weak person, useless, hopeless. Why would anyone care for a loser like me?

I know what an addict needs, what they crave to use the word postively. They need compassion, they need understanding. They need someone who is not going to judge. They need
someone who doesn't minimize what has happened but stops and says "okay, you fell. Let's get up and see what comes next". Not someone who asks "why didn'you call your
sponsor?" or "c'mon, you should have known better!"

Addicts are experts in self-loathing. The idea of positive thinking is foreign to them. They do not believe in themselves. There are important steps like detox and rehab to
start an addict in their journey to become clean. They need the clinical help to get through the initial steps, through the shakes and the seizures. But, for me, the most
important element is the human touch, the intimate connection that allows the addict to see that they are not hopeless, they are not a lost cause, they are not the dredges
of society. They are as valuable a member of society as anyone else living on this planet. They need to be reminded there is love and it is there, even when we are not perfect.

That is what I believe I can bring to this program. A passion, a reality of who and what an addict is. An addict is not defined by the drink of choice, or what goes into
the syringe or what type of poker they play on the machine. They are a product of years in which they evolved needing the rush they get from their addiction. They don't need
someone who looks at the situation rationally and logically, but that is not part of an addict's reality. For the average person, it is not rational to pump a VLT with coins
after coins on the hope that the machine will ring out a jackpot. It is not rational that someone self-medicates themselves because of the stress and issues that crowd and
overwhelm their lives. It makes no sense why you can't get to sleep unless you have had several drinks of rum and coke.

With my experience, I do not bring this to the table. Each addict is different, is special in their own way. I may not have experienced the specifics one addict has gone through
but I know what they need. The shoulder to cry on, the simple, kind words that reinforces they are someone special in this world. That they know that they are not alone
in this stormy life we all live. Maybe, right now, you don't have hope but I have it for you. Let me stand by your side so a little while so you can believe it too. That
is what I believe I can bring to the table.

So here we are. The floodgates have opened. I realized after writing a little diatribe on Facebook, there is so much I want to speak about. There are subjects popping up I have an opinion on that I want to share. And it's not about changing the world. One thing I have come to realize over the past while is small changes can have an enormous impact over a long period of time.

What I have to say isn't going to change things but if I can plant a seed, make someone stop and think, just for a moment, something a little different, make them wonder and ponder, interesting things can happen. And I know some of the things I have to say will stir some controversy, shake up a few things and possibly cause a visceral reaction. But my aim isn't to shock or piss people off. It is to say what is amazing about the people in this world is the complex way we see, look and understand things. I would never be able to achieve what my favorite philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche did with his writings but if in a little way I can make someone stop and question something they believe in, I'll
be happy.

This first entry may seem to be a melange, a rabbit trail bouncing about but there is a rhyme and reason. And I hope it will become clear over the next while. Come back and check out what I have to say because this journey is going to be interesting. Trust me, I plan to have fun with intelligent design and the pharma solution to alcoholism to the PC police demanding we goosestep to their clap-trap dogma to fundie fears. I hope to address some interesting issues that you will stop and ponder over. And maybe lead to some interesting discussions. We shall see.

TTFN